My name is Ejaz Helena and I am not a terrorist – by His Excellency Ejaz Haider

My name is Ejaz Helena and I am not a terrorist – by His Excellency Ejaz Haider

Ejaz-Haider White long hairedited 300 PurpleI, Ejaz Helena aka Craterwalah, am a much demonized person. Whenever I write about terrorism in my beloved Pakistan, the affected parties blame me for being a weird or psycho, or even an agencies’ man. But do I care? Like my friend General Musharraf, I am proud to declare that I am not afraid of anyone. The only person I am afraid of is my pen. Yes, whenever I look at my pen, I am terrified and stunned: “This is my weapon!” I say to myself. With this weapon, I can do anything. But the pen is not extraneous to me (See my impeccable English! See how deep I am!).

Yes, this pen of mine is a mighty organ of mine. I mean, my mighty organ. With this pen, I have proved that the Shias of Pakistan are themselves to blame for their own killings. Shia genocide? Bullshit! As my fellow journalist Nasim Zahra says, yes some Shias are killed in Pakistan, but this is anything but genocide (And we both come from Shia parentage! Ha ha. But she is not my sister. You know!)

I want you to consult these archives to familiarize yourselves with my exploits:

Blaming the victim: Ejaz Haider blames Shias of Abbas Town for mistreatment of Ahmadis – by Sabah Hasan

You SoB, get out of your anonymity and be a man! – by Ejaz Haider

Why was Ejaz Haider removed from editorship of Newsweek Pakistan?

and much more:

Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 11.13.14 PMWhy am I writing today when only a few hours before I wrote in Newsweek Pakistan about a fat Shia boy who saved so many Shia boys by stopping a Lashkar-e-Jhangvi suicide bomber. Enjoy it here:

That Shia boy deserved to die because he was ugly, fact, and most ignobly, a son of a poor labourer. He was a bad student. Had he been a good student, he would have been in school and thus would have died along with other Shia boys. But he was a useless person as he was a useless student; unlike elitist liberals like me who have used our scholarships to become a shill for the military establishment. Thus, Aitezaz was loitering around the school when he saw the suicide bomber. He tried to stop him and died. He made a hero of himself. This useless boy! You can read the article and see how I have destroyed that fat boy’s reputation.

The real reason why I hate that Shia boy was that he made a fool of my sugar daddies in the military establishment. You see, my bosses have empowered the Taliban to teach the Shias a lesson for their resistance and defiance – two values which I find even more despicable that being overweight and a below average student. When this “fat” Shia boy stood up to the Taliban, he made a mockery of military establishment stooges like me and some of my comrades, ahem, fellow country club liberals.

So let me say a word or two about myself :

Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 11.14.20 PMWhy do I provoke innocent people? Why do I tow to the likes of the ISI, Takfiri Deobandis, and Maulana Ludhianvi? Here is the archaeology of my deeds and exploits:

In my childhood, I was a butt of people’s jokes. I was a sickly kid. I was a shortie (I still am). But times changed.  I was now on my own. I decided to take on the world. I wanted to avenge myself on those who had been making fun of me by calling me shortie and sissy and some other censor able stuff. The anger in me had become a volcano and I was ready to explode. But the volcano exploded before I could. But it did so with a tragic twist. It exploded through my face and when the larva subsided, my face was left with millions of craters. It is at that point that my classmates and playmates began calling me Ejaz Craterwalah. People would terrify me by saying that the Americans planned to use my face for their moon lander and various space shuttle dry runs. I knew they were joking, but in my position a joke could be a fear. Etc.

After finishing my high school, I decided to take on the entire Pakistani society. I joined the Army. My plan was to stage a coup and rule the country and find out all those mullahs and Pathans of yore. I was all set, but for one problem. I could not finish the Kakul Academy. I was kicked out for reasons which we need not discuss here. Kicked out I certainly was, but I had learned a secret. A very BIG secret. I learned that even if you were a bloody civilian, you could be powerful by playing second fiddle to the Pak Army officers. I decided to pass the CSS exam, become a bureaucrat, and with the help of my Army benefactors, become a Gohar Ayub or Qudratuulah Shehab. I enrolled at the Punjab University, did an MA in English lit, and found the love of my life (on this, later).

But something happened. I failed all the three attempts one is entitled to. I could not pass the CSS exam. But the trick I had learned did not deter me. I volunteered my sieves to the Army. I was assigned to an ISI major who groomed me. When you see that sometimes I have long hair, sometimes, short, sometimes I twist my face as I speak English, and sometimes I pose as if I was T S Eliot All this has roots in those groovy grooming sessions. After the initial grooming, I told Major Sahib that I was ready to wipe even a petty solder’s bottoms with my own hand as long as the Army would protect me from the bloody civilians. My offer was accepted. Since then, I have been working for the only organized institution in Pakistan.

From my education and grooming, I learnt a very important life lesson. I already knew that I was destined for life of intellectual dishonesty. Therefore, in order to live up to my delusions of grandeur as a military establishment whore, I learnt how to pad my incoherent babble with extensive quotes and paraphrases from others. In nearly all my columns, I borrow and paraphrase entire passages from writers whose integrity or merit I can never match up to. I also learnt that if I am not good enough to rise upto the ranks of a captain in the army, I can at least aspire to wipe their boots and asses with my incoherent rubbish garnished with big words and bigger quotes.

When the ISI-backed Deobandis kill Shias, I blame the Shias for their own murders. In this respect, my article on the Hazaras of Quetta left the entire Shias of Pakistan huffing and puffing and barking and wailing. But who cares! I glorified Hafiz Saeed only in the service of the Army.

Blaming the victim: Ejaz Haider blames Shias of Abbas Town for mistreatment of Ahmadis – by Sabah Hasan

The Shias call me various names. Do I care? I often call myself names. When I married a rich man’s daughter, people made fun of me. Some said that I had become proud as if I had married Helen of Troy. I avenged myself on those people by adding “Helena” to my name, which is a Latin version of “Helen”. People stopped making fun of me just like in the past when I added Craterwalah to my name.

And now about this 14-year old Shia boy. He saved hundreds of school kids and became a  hero. I do not mind his saving people. But I do resent that a fat and ugly boy should become a hero because it reminds me of time when I was 14 years of age.  And at that very time, the craters had started to come out. . . . Why would I let a fat boy, a Shia, be made into a hero while I at 14 was just a pimply faced looser.

I know the likes of the Shias have never harmed me. This is because they are powerless. I know where power lies and I am all for power. This is why, Hafiz Saeed and Malik Ishaq will always smile at me just like Hamid Gul and other exalted generals of Pak Fauj. I do not care what people call me. But do not call me a supporter of terrorism even when I support terrorists and terrorism. I support them because from their power and almightiness I vicariously live a almighty life. Thus, I am not a terrorist. Call me a Son of a Bitch (This is what I actually called Rabia Shakoor, Ex-LUBP editor, in one of my tweets).

You SoB, get out of your anonymity and be a man! – by Ejaz Haider

Call me anything, but not a terrorist because I am Ejaz Helena aka Craterwalah, but I am not a terrorist! Like Henry Kissinger said about the dictator Pinochet that at least he is our son of a bitch, some retired ISI major is probably saying the same about me. The only difference between Pinochet and me is that I got kicked out so unceremoniously, but see how relentless and shameless I am that I stand my ground like as if I am my own SOB.

Thanks for your attention and now with my mighty pen I must exonerate a Jihadi terrorist or two!

Aitzaz Hussain

16 responses to “My name is Ejaz Helena and I am not a terrorist – by His Excellency Ejaz Haider”

  1. پاکستان میں پشتون قوم کے اوپر لطیفے محفلوں کے زینت ہوتے ہیں۔ پشتون پوری قوم کو مسلسل تمسخر کا نشانا بنایا
    جاتا رہا ۔۔بدقسمتی سے پشتون قوم میں ایک بھی ایسا بندہ نہیں تھا کہ انکو منع کرتا انکے خلاف قانونی کاروای کرتا۔

    جب میں نے ٹھان لیا کہ میں پاکستان میں لکھنے والوں ان سب نام نہاد دانشورں کو دایرہ اخلاق میں رہنا یاد دلاونگی
    تو دل کو تھوڑی تسلی ہوئ کہ اب دل کی بات دل میں نہیں رہیگی ۔۔ ان تک پہنچیگی

    اعجاز حیدر ، مجھے نہیں لگتا کہ کسی امیر ترین خاندان سے انکا تعلق ہے۔۔ لیکن اگر ہے بھی تو پاکستان کے ۷۰ فیصد لوگ غریب ہے۔۔ انکو غربا دیکھنے کا اتفاق کوی پہلہ دفعہ نہیں ہورھا ہے۔۔ لیکن ہمارے شہید ہیرو اعتزاز کے بارے میں لکھتے لگ رہا ہے کہ وہ پشتونوں کی غربت سے واقف نہیں۔ یا ہوسکتا ہے انکو ان پاکستانیوں والی بیماری ہو جو شو اف کی زندگی گزارتے ہیں۔ جنکو غریب بندہ دیکھ کر حیرت ہوتی ہے اور ماں کی گود چڑھ کر پوچھتے ہیں۔۔ امی کیا یہ خلائئ مخلوق ہیں۔
    اعتزاز کے نام پر اعتراض سے شروع ہوکہ بچے کی سکول دیر سے انے کی وجہ دریافت کرنے کے بجائے بچے پر غیرزمہ وار طالب علم کا ٹھپہ لگاتے ہیں اور پھر انکے موٹاپے کا زکر کرتے ہیں۔ شک کا اظہار کرتے ہے کہ ایک ایسا عام بچہ بھلا سکول کے باہر کیا کر رہا تھا ۔ ان کو شاید یہی لگ رہا ہوگا کہ کہی شیعہ اپنا نام تو نہیں کر رہے۔ یا شاید یہی کہ ہیرو بننے کے شوق میں ایک اور ملالہ جیسا ڈرامہ تو نہیں ہوا
    اعجاز حیدر اگر اپ تھوڑا ہم کو بھی سمجھادیں کہ اپکے اس ارٹیکل کا مقصد کیا تھا۔۔ اپ نے بچے کی توہین کرنی
    تھی یا اپکو کسی نے عقل نہیں سکھائ

  2. How to make your own Ejaz Haider (at home)

    So everyone loves an Ejaz Haider! But it ij not availabal every din and can become costly (due to subscripshuns). I too love columns of Ejaz Haider and after careful reading, I think I have reverse engineered the recibe!! The secret is simbal. The recipe has 5 major combonents: Demand Money–Act as if terrorism is normal–Show bravado–High sounding grabagic nonsense—Toilet/Adult jokes.

    To beepuls who are afraid about cooking their own Ejaz Haider column, I am providing this ready to make recipe!! Ejaz Haider Column Generator!!

    A. Sentence one: Choose one phrom each category: (Demanding money)

    1. Not giving Pakistan money
    2. Asking Pakistan to do too much
    3. Expecting Pakistan to serve US interest for the money

    Will only

    1. Strengthen hands of extremists
    2. Compel the Army to take over
    3. Weaken democracy
    4. Put region into Chaos

    B. Sentence two: Choose one phrom each category: (Acting as if terrorism is normal)

    Terrorism is a reaction which is justified because

    1. Every country has done it
    2. It is how weaker countries challenge the stronger
    3. Oppressed people have no recourse
    4. It is the leverage of the weaker against the stronger

    in any case

    1. US has indulged in it
    2. India has indulged in it
    3. Pakistan has indulged in it in the past several times
    4. It is one of the 5 tools of statecraft

    C. Sentence three: Choose one (Bravado)

    1. Pakistan is here to stay
    2. US cannot achieve strategic goals without Pakistan
    3. India cannot pacify Kashmir without Pakistan

    D. Sentence four: Choose one from each category: (High sounding nonsense)

    1. The normative interpretation of inter-state relations
    2. The consensus understanding of the spirit of Magna carta
    3. An informed reading of Carl von Clausewitz

    will indicate to an enlightened reader the nature of

    1. Temporal-spatial nature of geo strategic relationship
    2. Inter- and intra state transactions of state actors
    3. Game theoretic achievement of Nash equilibrium

    E. Sentence five: Insert your own toilet humor/male anatomy jokes here:

    Here ij what I generated!!

    Expecting Pakistan to serve US interest for the money will only put region into chaos. Terrorism is a reaction which is justified because it is the leverage of the weaker against the stronger, in any case it is one of the 5 tools of statecraft. US cannot achieve strategic goals without Pakistan. An informed reading of Carl von Clausewitz will indicate to an enlightened reader the nature of game theoretic achievement of Nash equilibrium. There is a long glorious erection of flagpole outside my window. Tee heee. –Ejaz Haider.

    As you can see, the number of variashuns are infinite!! Taking time to explore all of them will assure your career as an analyst and strategic thinker!! Post your own columns and variashuns!!

  3. Maybe I am not too liberal but i didnt get any of his attempt to seek attention article. What did he mean by “another aspect to the story is that suicide bomber made him a hero”? Should we celebrate that suicide bomber’s work too? Lets just not give Ejaz the attention he wants.

  4. Whenever I read or listen to Mr Ejaz Haider only one Shakespearian character comes to my mind who goes by the name of Polonius in Hamlet. Like Polonius Mr Haider has a knack for complicating otherwise very simple idea.

  5. I disapprove of this piece.
    LUBP has no right to mock our Aitzaz Hasan even for the sake of deriding Ejaz Haider.
    It could have been done without using absolutely unnecessary unkind words about Aitzaz Hasan.

  6. Asif Z, it was clear to me that LUBP was mocking Ejaz Haider in the same vein that he used for mocking Aitezaz Hasan. I have not seen such a harsh post from LUBP on Ejaz Haider previously. But this time, he went too far and LUBP responded in the same way that Ejaz attacked Aitezaz. All previous articles that critisize Ejaz on LUBP are deconstructions of his work. When Ejaz made vicious personal digs against a national hero, it should not surprise that LUBP stood up and delivered a fitting riposite. Peace

    • LUBP has no right to call Aitzaz ‘ugly’.
      Ejaz Haider did not use this word, hence it is not paraphrased.
      It is used in the same sentence with ‘fat’ and ‘son of a poor labourer’, both true attributes, hence is not used cynically.
      Ejaz Haider tried to write a satire but ended up writing a third-rate piece.
      LUBP tried to mock Ejaz and displayed even poorer taste.
      Therefore I condemn the LUBP for calling Aitzaz ‘ugly’ with an uncalled for wantonness.

  7. First Off, let me commend your clearness on this subject. I am not an expert on this subject, but after reading your editorial, my understanding has developed substantially. Please allow me to grab your rss feed to stay in touch with any forthcoming updates.