Let’s fry Munni – by Waseem Altaf

Maulvi Abbas Ansari opened his mouth “We are the defenders of this great fort of Islam and would not allow anyone to spread obscenity. And tell me, would you do everything you did with those guys in front of your father? Excuse me Sir, would you do everything you do with your wife in front of your father! Veena retorted

Our very own Munni Ms Veena Malik is back in the news with a big bang courtesy big boss – an Indian reality show which has generated lots of controversy in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. On 21st January the “grave issue” was discussed in “Pachas Minute” on Geo TV hosted by Maulana Abdur Rauf who sought to explore the various dimensions of the controversy as the issue stands out more than the rest this country is facing at the moment. The same night, talk show host Kamran Shahid of Express News invited Mufti Abdul Qavi and Veena Malik for a crucial debate of utmost significance for Ulema-e- Deen and Muftian-e-Islam, as a sharai perspective of Veena was required to be determined in the light of ahadis and fiqah. In the show it appeared as if Pamela Anderson, the Baywatch star was being probed by Pope Benedict the Sixteenth to explain her outrageous behavior. However despite penetrating queries by both the host and the holy ghost, Veena did defend herself quite successfully.

On 23rd January Kamran again invited “Perdoosar & Dractor” Syed Noor of Saima fame and Attiqa Odho of Musharraf fame to sort out the “pervert babe” After a thorough grilling in the religious as well as the nationalistic context the actress Veena was also questioned about her patriotism. Why in the first place she went to an enemy country. Why did she take part in the show while the Kashmir issue was still unresolved? Why did she mix up with Indians while India was building Baglihar Dam? And finally why did she hug Indian guys when 30 Pakistani fishermen were rotting in Indian jails. Why?

Everybody in the show had great reservations about her dressing, demeanor, dialogues, action and interactions with co-participants of the reality show, as everybody from Hassan Munnawari to Nizam Majidi had very closely watched all episodes of “Big Boss” sitting very close to the TV Screen. The poor girl started crying in the end while the host concluded the show adding a heavy dose of morality and patriotism.

31st December 2011 (In retrospect):

The issue sparked off a huge controversy and everybody from man in the street to man in the parliament was discussing Veena Malik. Friday Sermons’ main content revolved around Veena Malik. The issue had taken the nation by storm. Finally Tehreek-e-Tahaffuz-e-Namoos-e-Zanana made a call for nationwide rallies against the immoral and unpatriotic behavior of Veena. On 5th of February huge rallies were held all over the country. In Karachi the main rally was organized on Shahra-e-Faisal led by Maulana Bhamborvi, Allama Undailvi and Maulvi Munaqqa. In Lahore the main rally came out on the Mall with Maulvi Lahu Lahan, Qari Chhuri Maar and Peer Sharangaiz of Jamiat-e-Ghairat-e-Islam leading the procession. In Rawalpindi the main rally at Raja bazaar was led by Allama Abu Jahalvi,Molvi Khoon khawar and Peer Kaki Taar of Dar-ul-Uloom Fitnia , whereas a small procession of eunuchs in support of Veena was also held in Lalkurti. Abdul Razia and Bashir Bubbly were at the forefront.

On conclusion of the rallies highly provocative speeches were made where fatwas were announced declaring Veena an apostate and a heretic. Cash rewards were announced for those who would kill her. It was also decided that an “ulema and mashaikh” convention would also be held on 23rd March at Serena Hotel Islamabad to thrash out the entire issue as Veena’s conduct had greatly jeopardized the integrity and repute of the “Islamic State”.

On 23rd of March dozens of ulema and mashaikh reached Serena Hotel, Islamabad. As the contingents entered the premises, a strong pungent odour seeped through the length and breadth of the 5 star Hotel. By evening the main restaurant and lobby were littered. Table cloth and curtains hanging on the walls were giving a shabby look as these were being used as napkins. The entire flush system was choked as small stones were thrown into the system.

The main convention was planned for the evening but a plenary was held at around 11 AM in the morning in which some ‘mashaikh’ suggested that before a verdict is finalized, it would be appropriate to summon Veena Malik and see if she has anything to say in her defense. The resolution was unanimously adopted.

The message was instantly communicated to Veena at Lahore and availing the first available flight she reached Islamabad at 4:00 PM

The convention began at 5:30 PM. Around 500 ulema and Mashaikh took their seats. Molvi Munaqqa was the stage secretary who announced that Veena would be there shortly and a panel of 12 ulema and mashakh would question her about her conduct.The panel would determine if she was guilty or otherwise.

Molvi Abbas Ansari and Maulana Siddique Irfani were the first ones to start the proceedings. Sitting next to them were Molvi Hassan Munnawar and Molvi Haider Ghafoori;

Veena appeared after a shortwhile, wearing a red backless with black fishnet stockings and black pumps. In the sleeveless outfit, the cleavage was significantly revealing by a low cut neckline. As she entered the shura, pin drop silence prevailed. The participants began brushing their beards with their bare hands, and the hair on various parts of their bodies stiffened. The tender features of the model appeared violating the Islamic law. Every maulana cast a comprehensive look over her figure as if trying to determine which parts transgressed which code of shariah and which of her dimensions were not permissible as per the divine jurisprudence. And then suddenly there was a loud chorus of la hola wala quwata illa billa and naooz billah.Veene initially thought as if some slogans were raised in her favour in some alien language but she soon realized the gravity of the situation when Maulvi Haider Ghafoori evaluated the ups and downs of her physique and then thundered “Don’t you know what the shariah says about hijab. This blatant show of body, this obscenity is totally against the tenets of Islam. He uttered and saliva began to flow from the corners of his mouth. Veena flicking her hair backwards said “Excuse me babaji what are sharai commandments? The maulana was not expecting the expression”babaji” hence he started to look the other way. Another maulana whose neck was bulkier than his head said “so far away from Islam—this girl does not even know the meaning of shariah. She is not even afraid of God. Another one from amongst the “mashaikh’ whose eyes were constantly fixated over her cleavage sighed and said “all commandments are clearly written in the holy scripture. Don’t you believe in what God has told us to do? Just say yes or no. To this Veena lost her temper and retorted “Am I answerable to you? I am not your sister or wife and you cannot tie me to a pole like an animal! The mullah cried “you heretic, you bloody nonbeliever, you blasphemer!Maulana Hasan Munawwar who was gazing at her thighs for quite some time shouted “Cant someone hold the tongue of this bitch who does not know how to talk to ulema-e-deen. Let’s all issue a hadd against her and punish her by lashing her in public.

Okay do what you want to do; I am not at all afraid of anyone of you. I know the character of each one of you. I know what you do to young boys in madrassas. And don’t try to intimidate a lone girl. Veena shouted back.

Maulvi Abbas Ansari cleaned his glasses looked at the “accused” and then opened his mouth “We are the defenders of this great fort of Islam and would not allow anyone to spread obscenity. Nobody can move around in the holy land in this attire. You are guilty of putting on this clothing and entertained guys who are our enemies. And tell me, would you do everything you did with those guys in front of your father? Excuse me Sir, would you do everything you do with your wife in front of your father! Veena retorted.

Listen girl cried Siddiq Irfani “we are not going to spare you. You will suffer in this world at our hands and the demons from hell would take care of you in the hereafter”.

As the dinner was already served the proceedings were adjourned for the following day. During late night 302 separate congregations were held in the front lawn where 500 odd ulema and peeran-e-tariqat offered their prayers.

On conclusion of the session Veena went to her room. As she left everybody started looking at each other. Finally Molvi Jan Maqbool Orvi broke the silence. I think the girl is hardcore and rude,She needs a thorough grooming. How about another session with Veena. The 500 strong gathering nodded their heads in acceptance. How about tomorrow at 10:00 AM in the morning. The convention was then put off until the following day.

At night Veena received some extremely threatening telephone calls which frightened her. The next day she was a totally changed personality. She had lost all her self confidence. Quite down she appeared pale. She was in a fully covered gear, even putting on a head scarf when she turned up for the hearing.

Peer Bazooka opened the session”Veena one thing is certain; you went to an enemy country and developed friendship with a nonbeliever. I guess his name was Ishmit. Is that correct? Yes.Okay.Now tell me, you both remained under one blanket for so many nights. What did he do to you? Veena remained silent. Answer me or you are gonna have it! Did he kiss you? Was there a lip lock? Did you enjoy a French kiss? Tell me please, in the name of shariah, Please tell me did he touch your thighs? Did he move his hands upside down, Come on you sexy bitch? Tell us all in graphic detail what you both have been doing inside that blanket. I beg you in the name of the most merciful, most beneficent. How many times did you do? Tell us please! (He then starts gasping. A large number of ulema and mashaikh also follow suit. Veena covers her face with her hands and sobs).

That kafir must have comprehensively studied and explored your entire body with all his sensuousness during those sinful nights you spent together.

Sir that was the format of the program. I had to go by the rules.

Okay so putting on a swimming costume with those things bulging out was going by the rules. I see. You know we are going to smash you. By the way what are your vital statistics? All ulema suddenly become attentive. Come on. Is it 34-24-36 or what? Is that a relevant question? She asked. Yes, we will decide what is relevant and what is not. Not you! Yelled Peer Pinjar.You know you indulged in grave obscenity. Maybe adultery and we can issue a hadd against you for which the sentence is death by stoning. Veena starts trembling. Allama gernade shouted “You scoundrel lady you forgot Allah and his prophet. You spread lusciousness. Hadd will be issued against you. Veena” Please forgive me! I will never do any such thing again in my life.I swear!Never! After all we have to face Allah one day. What shall we say?Exclaimed Allama Maula Jatvi, wearing black sunglasses with a green sticker.

After a lull Maulana Fazal-ur-Rahman broke the silence.He moved his body to the left, oblivious of others’ presence, broke wind and then opened his mouth: “Well there is one way out in the context of the 1973 constitution and Islam. Everybody looked towards him. Seek an apology from Allah. Commit in front of this august gathering that you will not do it again. Observe strict pardah. I assure you that I would beg Allah to forgive you but…..But what Veena asks”but you will have to have a nikah with me and come under my conjugal protection. Veena: but, but. No but. You know there is no way out for you except this rightful path. The second option leads to a harrowing end, the maulana thundered.

All ulema and mashaikh gave a nod to this proposal including the blind Hafiz Hafeez and the hunchback Qari Qadeer.

So Veena got married to Maulana Fazal-ur-Rahman and thus averted death by stoning.

Source: Viewpoint



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