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Abbas Baloch has written this exclusive piece for LUBP which we are pleased to publish as a featured post.

1) Zardari is Keyser Soze!

2) The Taliban are an expression of Pushtun nationalism

3) The sectarian situation in Pakistan is because of feudalism, poverty and Iran’s proxy war. The State’s use of Jihad as a matter of policy has nothing to do with it and all such talk is simply the notions of few liberal fascists. The 3% of our population that is Christain and which segement is both economically and socially disenfrachised is not drawn to terrorism due to poverty because, well, er, aaaa, THEY are wimps!

4) The Taliban came about because of “krupt” Karzai government and because the Pushtuns were always inclined this way and could not handle modernity. Any alternative narrative that posits the Pushtuns as secular nationalists opposed to the Taliban is the work of Zionist Hindu agents like AIRRA, Farhat Taj, Dr Mohammad Taqi and Pukhtunkhwa Peace Forum.

5) The Taliban in Swat were an outcome of feudal oppression; all the other ethnic groups of Pakistan are beset with feudalism which has given rise to the Taliban. The only proletariat literates are those who subscribe to MQM and PML N. PPP and ANP are feudal entities founded by Hindu agents. The influx of IDP’s in Karachi after the 2009 “operation” against the Taliban includes several of these rich feudals who receive nearly a hundred dollars a month from their vast feudal estates of a quarter acre in Swat.

6) The Judiciary is an expression of the urban middle class of Lahore sticking it to the feudals of PPP. The Judiciary is the greatest thing since gola ganda and Shaan Masala. The Judiciary took a stand against Musharaf and restored democracy in Pakistan by supporting and endorsing dictators, judicially murdering elected leaders and then giving fake judgements after being deposed. The Judiciary is still supporting democracy by entertaining petitions by the democratically-organized Jamaat Islami against legislations that has been unanimously passed by an elected parliament.

7) In the last 3 days, 4 drone attacks have killed nearly 50 civilians of Pakistan for only one Al Qaeeda leader. These 50 civilians includes 9 Uzbek barbers, 15 Arab venture capitalists, 6 Chechan basket weavers and 23 contestants of the Taliban idol, you know the good ones who are only killing those Afghanis that are occupying Afghanistan whilst singing the Kafis of the true Sufi master, Mullah Umar.

8.) The establishment is a convinient excuse used by the ANP and PPP types who blame them for the foreign policy of Pakistan. In essence, these two parties are cowards and the real men of Pakistan who have suffered for their “convictions” are Altaf Hussain, Imran Khan, Musharaf, Chaudhary Iftikhar, Aitzaz Ahsan and Nawaz Sharif. One can add anchor “heros” like Talat Hussain and Hamid Mir to this list. Plus, with their facebook numbers, Musharaf and Imran Khan would make a great poker team to face down those Western imperialists who are so stingy with their aid and liberal with their drones against our ghazis.

9) Some liberal fascists are still trying to deny the presence of Jaish-e-Rabwah; the Ahmadi militia that has killed so many innocent civilians in the Ahmadi-Sunni sectarian war.

10) In related news, a 50 Euro cheque by the Pope made out to Lashkar e Jesus was presented to the media by rising reporter and analyst. This cross-order cheque made at Banko Roma exposes the role of the Pope in spreading extremism in Pakistan and engaging in a Vatican-Saudia proxy war.

11) In a rare show of solidarity, the Harkat-e-Khalistan of the Sikhs and Sipahe-e-Qadri (Brehlvis) took out a rally in Teen Hati as part of a show of strenght in their continuing proxy war with the Sipah Sahaba.The Deobandis of Pakistan were feeling extremely insecure after the Khalistan movement of the 1980s and therefore expelled the few hundred remaining Sikhs from Swat in 2008. These Sikhs were part of the Harkat Khalistan that was supplying the uncircumsized bodies that were being used to delegitimize the Potohari Taliban.

12) Noted intellectual Dr Hadil Shaljam exposes the protestors outside Sherry Rahman; what was initially photographed as 30-40 middle aged Lyari women were actually 400 PPP Jihadis, ooops, Jiyalas, hiding Israeli Uzis supplied to them by Keyser Soze, oops, Zardari himself!

13) The ANP and PPP are engaged in a racist project to change the demographics in Karachi and Sindhis, Balochis and Pushtuns are completely changing the centuries old demographics of Jinnahpur, ooops, Quaidnager, oops, Karachi.

14) Pakistan needs more mayors like Mustafa Kamal; you know, educated lower middle class boys who live the humble life of driving around in Rs. 20 million SUVs, own a beach mansion and who along with the other middle class workers of MQM have carved out a modest multi billion ruppee real estate pie in North Nazimabad.

15) The real leader of the PPP is Aitzaz Ahsan who gave so many sacrifices by sidestepping any occasion that called for standing by the party in hard times. He proved his loyalty to the party by ditching that fashion nightmare, Benazir Bhutto in 2007 and then by ditching that other Hindu agent, Asma Jehangir, in last weeks SCBA elections. Asma’s stand for secularism and democracy puts her at odds with the Judiciary, who are Aitzaz’s current party. Besides he a Punjabi and unlike Sindhis and Balochis, can be trusted. His great head of hair and his recitation of Marxist poets while parading with the Jamaat Islami is the stuff of legend and puts the icing on the PPP cake that civil society wishes for. Aitzaz has proved his neutrality by staying away from the SCBA elections (which he once headed) as he does not believe in taking sides between a candidate who espouses secularism and democracy versus one who supports Imran Khan and Hamid Gul. Moreover, unlike the other corrupt feudals of PPP, Aitzaz is an honest man who does not even want to appear in front of the judges that were restored. He simply uses 2-3 law firms as front companies to “negotiate” with the judges towards his Rs. 10 crore per client fees; a true Marxist of the 21st century.

16) The real leaders of the PPP are Mumtaz Bhutto, Khar, Ghulam Mustafa Jatoi, Mubashir Hasan and Mairaj Khalid who would have limited this travesty to Pak Tea House, Karachi University Canteen and Zellins. Damn Bhutto for getting the masses involved . Didn’t he know what we all know; that Pakistan does not deserve democracy because that would give a voice to those unwashed, sweaty masses who are an insult to our sense of fashion!

16) Who says that Chaudhary Iftikhar cannot be the next Velayat-e-Faqih. He wears black robes, believes that elected representatives should be controlled by a non-elected body and that the parliament cannot be trusted to make laws that might make Pakistan a secular country. His court has even disqualified candidates (take that Khamenai) on the basis of a law that does not exist now. Btw, didn’t his court also disqualify any of the Islamist madrassa graduates on the degree requirement law when it did stand. ok, scratch that because we are getting into the deep waters of irony; another Jewish conspiracy! Coming back to his pitch, he is also supported by the merchant (bazari) class and feels that the Islamist provisions in the constitution that were stuffed in by military dictators are the best way to override every other law. Most importantly, like some of the Ayatullahs next door, he has done his duty in endorsing military coups. Twice actually….

17) The hero of the Talat Hussain is temporarily in the doghouse for being a complete douche in his slander of Angelina Jolie. Back when he was making up news stories, fudging and grossly inflating numbers to attack the Government and Hillary Clinton, treating the Taliban with kid gloves and promoting the vilest conspirarcy theories, he was the best journalist we could wish for. His role in the character assasination of young Bilawal at Oxford was actually great and did not serve as a premonition of the warped mind that would trash a world renowned philanthropist 2 years later. Dr Wahabi Dalvi had this smut, sorry, expose, on his site and that was good enough for us to trust Talat.

18) The shrines attacks are terrible, so gauche. Of course, we have no problem with the deeply intolerant mindset that confuses love with worship and that feels that disagreements are best dealt with by invoking psychotic medieval distortions that call for killing those who are different. Such things don’t lead to terrorism as we all know who is doing all the terrorist acts in Pakistan…… its the Jews and Hindus stupid. Even the great Lahore High Court Chief Justice agrees….

19) Our fawning for the ethnically exclusive judiciary is in equal proportion to our puking over those Bhuttos who do not parrot what we want to hear.

20) Keyser Soze is Zardari.

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