Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form – The New Yorker
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — After announcing, on Thursday 26 June 2014, that it would seek $500 million to help “train and equip appropriately vetted elements of the moderate Syrian armed opposition,” the White House today posted the following Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form:
Welcome to the United States’ Moderate Syrian Rebel Vetting Process. To see if you qualify for $500 million in American weapons, please choose an answer to the following questions:
As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:
A) Moderate
B) Very moderate
C) Crazy moderate
D) Other
I became a Syrian rebel because I:
A) Was imported into Syria via Turkey
B) Was imported into Syria via Jordan
C) Was imported into Syria via Lebanon
D) Am part of Global Sunni Ummah
I became a Syrian rebel because I believe in:
A) Truth
B) Justice
C) The American Way
D) Creating a Salafi Wahhabi and Deobandi caliphate
If I were given a highly lethal automatic weapon by the United States, I would:
A) Only kill exactly the people that the United States wanted me to kill i.e. Bashar al-Assad
B) Try to kill the right people, i.e., Shias, Sunni Sufis and Christians.
C) Kill people only after submitting them to a rigorous vetting process
D) Immediately let the weapon fall into the wrong hands
I have previously received weapons from:
A) Al Qaeda
B) The Taliban
C) Saudi Arabia
D) I did not receive weapons from any of them because after they vetted me I was deemed way too moderate
I consider ISIS:
A) A Sunni revolution against Zionist-Shia-Christian trianle of Israel, Syria and Armenia
B) Military wing of Free Syrian Army
C) An existential threat to Iraq and Syria
D) The people who will pick up my American weapon after I drop it and run away
Complete the following sentence. “American weapons are…”
A) Always a good thing to randomly add to any international hot spot
B) Exactly what this raging civil war has been missing for the past three years
C) Best when used moderately
D) Super easy to resell online
Thank you for completing the Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form. We will process your application in the next one to two business days. Please indicate a current mailing address where you would like your weapons to be sent. If there is no one to sign for them we will leave them outside the front door.
Source: Adapted with changes from The New Yorker
Related post: Syrian ‘moderates’ aren’t so moderate in Iraq – by Robert Fisk
Syrian ‘moderates’ aren’t so moderate in Iraq
Who are the ‘moderate’ rebels President Obama wants to train and arm?
ROBERT FISK
Friday 27 June 2014
Well, God bless Barack Obama – he’s found some “moderate” rebels in Syria. Enough to supply them with weapons and training worth $500m. Congress wants to arm these brave freedom fighters, you see. And Obama, having sent his 300 elite Spartan lads to Iraq to help Nouri al-Maliki fight the rebels there, needs to send help to the rebels in Syria – even though most of them are on the side of the rebels in Iraq whom Obama wants Maliki to defeat.
Confusing? You bet. So first steps first. Who are the “moderate” rebels whom Obama wants to train and arm? He doesn’t name them – and he can’t, because the original “moderates” whom America swore to arm (with the help of the CIA, the Brits, Saudi Arabia, Qatar and Turkey) were the so-called “Free Syrian Army”, mostly composed of deserters from Assad’s government forces. But the FSA – briefly beloved of John McCain until he discovered a pro-al-Qa’ida fighter sharing a photo-op with him in northern Syria – has decomposed.
Its men have gone home, switched to the bearded Islamists of the Nusrah or Isis – or Isil if we heed the latest acronym – or re-deserted to the government army and taken up arms for Assad again. Some freedom fighters! They weren’t given enough weapons, we are told. Now they’ll get more. And no doubt sell them – as they did the last lot. For it is a sad fact of war that whenever a gun crosses a border, it represents not loyalty but cash.
Give an FSA man – if you can find one – an anti-aircraft missile and it will be sold to the highest bidder. In all the civil wars I’ve covered, I’ve never seen a weapon in the hands of a militia which hasn’t bought it from someone else. In a humiliating interview on Channel 4, our own Defence Secretary admitted that weapons given to Syrian rebels had fallen into the hands of the bad guys. How do you monitor all the guys whom you give a gun to? Send them off with a personal drone to make sure they don’t sell it?
Besides, how do you actually find a “moderate” these days in Syria’s war? The Islamist rebels fight to the death. No “moderates” they. And – accursed facts now intervene – these are the very same Islamist rebels now threatening the Iraqi state. And just to make things even more confusing, Maliki has just been thanking Assad’s boys for air-raiding his own rebel enemies on the Iraqi-Syrian border on the grounds that Syria and Iraq are “friends”.
So now to our own real friend, the Department of Home Truths. What’s left of the FSA has been fighting the Islamist Isis-Isil forces. So have the Kurdish militias in northern Syria. So have a few village militias. And the Syrians have a suspicion that this is Obama’s half-baked plan: to arm the anti-Islamist Syrian rebels to fight the pro-al-Qa’ida rebels and thus – indirectly – keep both the Assad and Maliki regimes in power.
The problem is that Obama must do this without revealing that the Syrian-Iraqi battle against Sunni Wahabis is one and the same war, that Assad’s Syrian army – using Russian jets – is struggling against exactly the same enemy as Maliki’s Iraqi army, also soon to be augmented (if we are to believe Maliki’s blather to the BBC Arabic Service) with Russian jets. In other words, Assad not only has the public support of Moscow; he has the private support of Washington (and therefore, of course, of Israel).
Why else would the White House say that the money for Syrian “moderates” would help “counter terrorist threats” – “terrorist” being Assad’s description of his enemies. But of course, Obama must keep calling Assad a “brutal dictator”. Difficult to explain all this on Fox News, of course. So just keep repeating the word “moderate”. Over and over again.
http://www.independent.co.uk/incoming/syrian-moderates-arent-so-moderate-in-iraq-9569548.html
Sarah khan, what do you add to the original article which was much funnier? Try to come up with something by yourself. Btw, syrians dont even know what deobandis or “sunni sufis” are..they are not pakis.
http://www.aljazeera.com/news/middleeast/2013/07/20137167916826540.html
https://www.ctc.usma.edu/posts/pakistani-fighters-joining-the-war-in-syria
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/02/opinion/the-foreign-fighters-and-me.html?_r=0
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/jul/14/syria-conflict-pakistani-taliban-support
http://www.longwarjournal.org/threat-matrix/archives/2013/07/hundreds_of_pakistani_jihadist.php
PATRICK COCKBURN
Sunday 29 June 2014
Iraq crisis: John Kerry’s search for moderates is five years late
The US Secretary of State talks of ‘pushing back’ against Isis – but who will do this pushing?
Defenders of the US Secretary of State, John Kerry, sometimes concede that he is a well-meaning windbag but argue that, if he does little good as he rushes around the world, he has done little real harm.
But going by his latest foray to Iraq, Saudi Arabia and other parts of the Middle East, this estimate may have to be revised. As the situations in Iraq and Syria deteriorate after the fall of northern Iraq to jihadis, Kerry brings to these twin crises a shallowness of understanding that can only make them worse.
Take the Secretary of State’s latest idea about what to do in Syria and Iraq, expressed at the start of a meeting with the Saudi-supported Syrian opposition leader, Ahmad al-Jarba, in Jeddah last week. Kerry said that “obviously, in light of what has happened in Iraq, we have even more to talk about in terms of the moderate opposition in Syria, which has the ability to be a very important player in pushing back against the presence of Isis and to have them not just in Syria, but also in Iraq.” The fogginess of the sentence probably reflects Kerry’s befuddled thought processes about what is happening.
But for all their wooliness, Kerry’s words reveal that he is the victim of two important misconceptions about what is happening in Syria and Iraq. The extent of American policy failure, which led to the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (variously called either Isil or Isis) taking over a great swath of territory since the fall of Mosul on 10 June, has been understated.
For 18 months, Iraqi leaders having told anybody who would listen that the opposition in Syria was dominated by jihadis such as Isis, Jabhat al-Nusra (the official al-Qa’ida representative) and Ahrar al-Sham. The Iraqis expressed complete conviction that unless the US did something to close down the civil war in Syria then this would inevitably destabilise Iraq.
Over the past week, everybody in Western capitals and many people in Baghdad have been blaming Iraq’s Prime Minister, Nouri al-Maliki, for the present disaster – and with good reason. But what really destroyed the political and military status quo in Iraq was not Maliki’s misdeeds but the civil war in Syria and the fact that the predominant military force in the Sunni opposition since the end of 2012 has been al-Qa’ida-type groups just as opposed, for sectarian reasons, to the government in Baghdad as to the one in Damascus.
The moderate Syrian military opposition scarcely exists inside the country any more and the Free Syrian Army is losing rather than gaining ground. There is no substance to Kerry’s idea that it, or other, armed moderates are important players in Syria or that they are in a position “to push back” against Isis’s ferocious battle groups, not only in Syria but in Iraq.
At the same moment as Kerry was lauding the potential of the moderate opposition in Syria, a much more accurate description of the real situation was being told to a news agency by Abdullah, a 27-year-old former Free Syrian Army fighter, who said he left the FSA when Isis overran his hometown of al-Bab in northern Syria in the spring, killing two of his friends. He said he quit because “I realised that our uprising has been hijacked by others, and that nothing will be settled unless there is an agreement between Iran and Saudi Arabia: that’s not worth dying for”.
The “moderate” opposition in Syria was crumbling long before the fall of Mosul, but Isis’s victories in Iraq have given it a tremendous boost in prestige, morale, money and equipment. It holds parades in Syria with tanks and Humvees captured in Iraq. In the past two weeks it has besieged Deir ez-Zor, whose capture would leave it in control of the whole Euphrates valley from Fallujah through western Iraq and eastern Syria to Jarabulus on the Turkey border.
In another important development, besieged Jabhat al-Nusra fighters in the town of Boukamal, on the border with Iraq, defected this week and joined Isis which already holds the Iraqi side of the border.
The crucial point here, one that Kerry and Washington should try to grasp, is that the opposition in Syria is controlled by jihadis, and within the jihadi constellation it is Isis that dominates more than ever. Yet it is at this moment that President Obama is asking Congress for $500m (£300m) to equip and train “appropriately vetted” opposition fighters who are supposedly going to fight both Bashar al-Assad and Isis, Jabhat al-Nusra and the other jihadis. And, of course, these fighters will be seen by all sides as mercenary pawns of the Americans, Saudis and Qataris.
Again, the idea is so silly that maybe the US administration is only pretending to have a policy in Syria and Iraq. Maliki has openly identified Saudi Arabia and Qatar as funding terrorism in Iraq so one more Saudi-backed Sunni gang playing a role will be wholly unwelcome in Baghdad.
Kerry’s faith in the Syrian moderate opposition is reminiscent of Alden Pyle, the undercover CIA agent in Graham Greene’s novel The Quiet American, who believes in a “Third Force” in Vietnam in the 1950s that is neither colonialist nor Communist. In fact, the Third Force is wholly an American creation.
Kerry has been searching for a Third Force in Iraq, in this case in the shape of moderate Sunni leaders to be included in a new Iraqi government to be led by somebody other than Nouri al-Maliki.
That may be easier said than done, since the Sunni leaders on offer are discredited politicians regarded by their own community as agile in feathering their own nests but not much else. Maliki should go, not only because he is a hate figure for the Sunni, but because he is catastrophically incompetent and incapable of directing a war against Isis. And war there is bound to be, because Isis is not in the business of negotiating compromises but of building a sort of religious fascist state in which Shia and Christians will be killed or expelled.
The time for genuinely inclusive governments and power sharing between communities was five years ago. Both the Sunni and the Kurds have now taken by force what they could not obtain by constitutional means. They are not going to reverse course into a united Iraq from which they have just escaped. If the US seriously wants to combat Isis it will have to look beyond non-existent moderate forces.
http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/iraq-crisis-john-kerrys-search-for-moderates-is-five-years-late-9570460.html
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