President Asif Ali Zardari
President of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan
Field Martial Avatar P Kayani
The Supreme Leader,
In-charge S Wing
Father of the Nation
Through the Good Offices of,
Mr Mansoor Ijaz,
Interlocutor to Admiral Mullen, President Obama and God.
Please find enclosed my resignation from the post of the ambassador in Washington. I have submitted it simultaneously to the FO, the YouTube and the Twitter.
Much has been made of my alleged memorandum to Admiral Mullen regarding the S-Wing. I want to make it clear that I have no recollection of ever sending it and as the world media now knows, the respected Admiral has no memory of receiving it. However, I realize that there are times in the life of nations when hard decisions have to be made for the greater good of the gentle souls in hobnailed boots which are only occasionally applied on the presidential posteriors.
The least I can do to save the posterior that I hold dear, more than any other in the world (my own) is to tender my resignation. This, I hope, will clear the air and will allow both nations to get on wholeheartedly with the most important task at hand, which may otherwise have been neglected, that of slaughtering the Afghans.
We need to realize that the administration of both countries are swimming against national tides. I know that the average American wants to eviscerate the average Pakistani and the average Pakistani wants to behead the average American. The people who hold the levers of power should do their best to facilitate this mutual enactment of national ideals whilst never losing sight of the ultimate goal of pulverizing Afghanistan, the policy objective that the both strategic allies strongly support.
At this juncture, I must pay tribute to Mr Mansoor Ijaz whose selfless devotion to international statecraft is unsurpassed in the modern history and matched only by the likes of Metternich, Kissinger and Raymond Davis.
Armed with a clear sense of destiny and a BlackBerry Bold 9900TM, he has served both the great nations and changed the course of world history. When the future historian (Yours Truly) writes an account of these momentous events, in the fullness of time (next week), he will not fail to note the sagacity, perspicacity and strength of character, that drove this intrepid servant of soft strategic depth to undertake amazing acts of valour at great personal risk.
Dear Field Marshall,
I owe you a personal debt of gratitude that you have been gracious in sparing my gonads, the attention of your forthright and patriotic hobnailed boots. I will never forget this act of kindness and am very grateful for not having to join the misguided and foolish cohort of petty pen-pushers such as Hayat Ullah Khan and Syed Salim Shehzad. I will try and repay this benevolence as soon as I have sold the 1st millionth copy of my memoirs.
Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.
Embassy of Pakistan,
Washington, DC 20008