Anchor-istan: Media jihadis and their vision of Pakistan

Guest post by: Bahadar Ali Khan

After watching Pakistani media’s talk shows, the assertions made by learned anchor-persons of these talk shows and reading the Urdu columnists I have visualized a future scenario of good governance for Pakistan. Under the recommendations of the media persons of our country and right wing parties, I have come to the conclusion that we should make a government just as they recommend and infer every day in their allotted air time. My understanding is that after we have this government inplace all of our problems would be resolved for ever. We’ll no longer be accepting US dictations nor we would be needing their arms. India would flee from Kashmir. Another popular hate-subject, Israel would be annihilated. The Western civilization would cease to exist and US and European will get back to stone age. All the corrupt elements from the Pakistani society would chastise theirself and anyone who obtained expensive plots from government would return it in the greater interest of the general public. Also anybody who got anything except salary would return it.

Now let us see how this government of ‘angels’ would look like. Nobody can doubt that best person for Pakistan’s presidentship is General (rtd) Hamid Gul. Syed Munawar Hassan is the best candidate for the Prime Minister of Pakistan. None other than Imran Khan suits the best for ministry of religious affairs. He is so good at collecting donations that he would run his ministry purely on donations and nothing would be taken from national exchequer. Shireen Mazari can be appointed ambassador to US. Qazi Hussain Ahmed would become Pakistani High Commissioner to India because by doing so one day he would fulfil his life long wish of heralding Pakistani flag on Delhi’s Red Fort. He can do this secretly on any weekend. Rest of the portfolios of economy, defence, foreign affairs, strategic affairs, science and literature and many other section can be filled by the appointments of very talented and expert on every subject media anchor-persons. These people are so capable that every ministry would run in an exemplary fashion.

There would be a National Consultation Council whose members would be from the board of the directors of “Ideology of Pakistan Limited”. General Mirza Aslam Beg can be appointed as governor of Baluchistan and because of terrain of his province he would be more effectively keep an eye on the ’strategic depth’ and US activities in Afghanistan. MQM suits best for the governorship of Sindh because though they are kind of misfit for this set up but the problem is that if we appoint anybody else the governor, MQM would not let him enter the governor house.

I believe if this government comes into being all of our assets including Talibans and nuclear weapons would get safe for ever. We will defeat NATO and allied forces in Afghanistan and later on will continue our march towards Central Asian states until we get our strategic goals and during this course our strategic depth would expand as far as North Pole goes. This government will neither take any foreign aid nor will return anybody’s loan. In order to appease Taliban this government will shut down all the girls colleges and schools.

Maulan Abdul Aziz ( Lal Masjid fame ) will be appointed Pakistan’s permanent representative in United Nations where he will brief the rest of the world about Pakistan power and importance. He will construct a mosque in the UN building whose students would march in the streets of New York and anybody ( any women ) not following the proper dress code will be kidnapped and brought to UN Mosque where she would be tortured to get the dose of spirituality. If the US, because they are host of UN office, do something derogatory or put any restrictions on our envoy’s actvities , our government will transfer the head quarters of UN to Waziristan. Osama bin Laden will be our Ambassador at large where he will work on the puritinization of the infidels and if some infidel not followed his line, he would be slaughtered.

Our new government will keep friendly relationship with China only one condition, if all Chinese men stop shaving their faces and their women put on modest dress. If China not followed these condition then we would teach them a lesson by sending our Mujahideen in their Sinkiang province. This government would definitely fulfil the longing for waging a war against US and in that war our government would destroy US.

The only problem that is left to be tackled as what will happen to the current lot of Politicians. So our pious government would arrange their punishments from the federal Shariah Court. And their worst punishments would be to appoint them on higher posts but stop them from taking bribe and perks.

So what do you think?




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  1. Abdul Nishapuri