Conspiracy. Will anyone tell me who these terrorists are? – by Munir Attaullah


Conspiracy! —Munir Attaullah

It is clear that everyone, inside and outside Pakistan, particularly RAW, is conspiring against us. But what is so disheartening is that, in spite of such certain knowledge, our destiny is to be victims

The simpleton that I am, all my life I have suffered from the delusion that the obvious was also the most likely; that possibilities are endless; but to think in terms of probabilities, more productive.

How naïve and foolish of me! As some of those brilliant analytical minds that regularly guide the nation with their wonderfully deep insight continuously remind us, there is always more than meets the eye. So, apparently, my perspective just has to be all plain wrong.

Accordingly, doubting my own initial but obvious conclusions about who the perpetrators of the terrorist attack on the Sri Lankan team could be, I decided to seek guidance from people who know better. But I had a problem. I am your Average Joe, not important enough to have direct access to these experts on Ilm-al-Ghaib.

So what should I do? I will take refuge in what the scientific community calls a ‘thought experiment’.

ME: “Can anyone help me understand what is going on?”

THE CHORUS: “No doubt about it. It is a conspiracy. It is a conspiracy because it has to be a conspiracy. It has to be a conspiracy because it must be a conspiracy. And it must be a conspiracy because everything that happens anywhere is a conspiracy, particularly against the ummah. What’s more, it is a dastardly conspiracy, whatever that may mean. The bottom line is that even if it appears not to be a conspiracy, it obviously is a conspiracy.”

ME: “But what about ‘facts’, gentlemen? What if they make your theory far-fetched?”

Q SAHIB: “Facts? Are they not manufactured by the conspirators to disguise their true intentions and mislead innocent and pious Muslims? Our Zionist, American, and Hindu enemies are devilishly smart. Have they not successfully suppressed the undisputable fact that America and Mossad were behind 9/11? Did not RAW callously use its own agents, disguised as Pakistanis, for the Mumbai attacks?”

ME: “But our government says there is proof that Kasab is a Pakistani, his handlers were Pakistani, and the terrorists set sail from Karachi.”

D&G (sorry, I mean Generals B&G): “Rubbish; total fabrication. The only thing that is clear is that Kasab has been brainwashed by RAW, after his capture by them a few years ago in Afghanistan, to become a double agent and do their bidding, blah, blah, blah. We mean RAW! RAW! RAW!”

ME: “Any proof of that assertion?”

B&G: “You must be an American agent to ask such silly questions. Sophisticated conspirators do not leave proof behind.”

CHORUS: “Conspiracy! Conspiracy! Conspiracy!”

ME: “Can we get back to the Lahore incident please?”

SARFRAZ N: “It’s a conspiracy by Daud Ibrahim, Bukhatir and the Mumbai bookies.”


SF: “It should be obvious. As General G repeatedly points out, we must first ask who the beneficiaries can be. Here, the idea is to make sure cricket is switched from Pakistan to the Emirates so that match fixing can flourish again and kick start a sinking UAE economy.”

ME: “But…”

MULLAH F: “The men were not terrorists. They were holy instruments of God’s wrath against infidels.”

RANDOM CRICKET LOVER (interrupting): “I don’t agree. It is clear that India and the West are conspiring with the incompetent lot who head the PCB to ensure an Islamic cricket team does not win the next World Cup.

“Just think. First they conspire to ban our two world-beaters, Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif, on trumped up drug and fitness charges. Next they mislead and trap our best batsman, the innocent Mohammed Yousaf, into legal disqualification. The coup de grace was to be delivered at Liberty Market by wiping out the rest of the talented current Pakistan team.

“Is it not sinister and incriminating that all the PCB top brass (including the patron who, instead of performing his real duty — concentrating on cricket — was busy with state affairs) did not travel with the team on the bus? Why do you think the teams had been promised residential level security?

“But these RAW Hindus are so incompetent they mistakenly targeted the Sri Lankans. If this is not a conspiracy, call me a moron.”

CHORUS: “Conspiracy! Conspiracy! Conspiracy!”

ME: “But…”

PUNJAB LAW MIN: “No ‘buts’. This incident is the direct outcome of Governor’s Rule.”

I KHAN: “When a buzdil leadership embraces American slavery, and fights America’s war against its own people, it is only natural that the ghairatmand Taliban types…oops, I mean unknown terrorists will react. If you do not learn from the history of the Khulafa-e-Rashideen — or should that be Awadh? — then only I, er, I mean God, can help you!”

CH N: “Hum who nahin thay…”

CH S: “I am in mourning. We must wait before conspiring.”

NS: “Everyone knows 16 crore awaam is behind me. So why did I only get a few million votes? I must ask Ishaq Dar, who does all my counting, to resolve this puzzling conspiracy. Did the awaam really also vote for other parties?”

GUV P: “Even though I am a certified accountant, I have lost count of the warnings I issued to all terrorists to follow my example and operate constitutionally. I am a businessman. Now they will pay.”

CHORUS: “Conspiracy! Conspiracy! Conspiracy!”

ME: “But why does no one still tell who is behind the Liberty Market attacks?”

SS: “Did I hear someone say, ‘Liberty Market’? It is my duty to inform the public there is a tandoor there, under the sasti roti scheme introduced by yours truly, the humble Khadim-e-Punjab. Some say the terrorists had breakfast there. Alhamdulillah! Proves what a hit all my initiatives are with the ghareeb awam.”

AA: “Everyone should listen to me. Am I not one of the world’s declared top intellectuals? I say the terrorists should have carried out their attack peacefully through a long march. And, certainly, they should have given a dharna instead of running away.”

MUSH: “It is a conspiracy.”

CHORUS: “Conspiracy! Conspiracy! Conspiracy!”

ME (despairingly): “Will anyone tell me who these terrorists are?”

KK & AA: “We will. Are we not, respectively, a top anchor, and a senior investigative reporter? Have we ever given you a personal opinion dressed as fact? Did we not, within hours of the incident, categorically tell you there was not even a 1 percent doubt — yes, not even a 1 percent doubt — the attack was carried out by RAW?”

CHORUS: “Conspiracy! Conspiracy! Conspiracy!”

At this point I bring the thought experiment to an end. Yep. It has been a useful exercise. It is clear that everyone, inside and outside Pakistan, particularly RAW, is conspiring against us. But what is so disheartening is that, in spite of such certain knowledge, our destiny is to be victims.

What should I do? Is there a concept called ‘anti-conspiracy’? (Daily Times)

The writer is a businessman. A selection of his columns is now available in book form. Visit

Also read:

“RAW Totay”: The conspiracy theory parrots. The supporters of Sipah-e-Sahaba and Taliban remember Lal Masjid and shed crocodile tears….

Asinine and anodyne in ’09?: The industry of conspiracy theory in Pakistan

Everyone at fault, except us. Why is it that everything that goes against us becomes a conspiracy?

International conspiracies against Pakistan – an eye opener for conspiracy theorists