Dear people of Pakistan,
We hereby now announce to have national holidays for four consecutive days (starting from Wednesday, so that you may plan the vacations for 5 days including the adjoining Sunday). To make your vacations more enjoying and electrifying, we are announcing the celebration of national games i.e. general elections in the country to welcome you again, on your own expense and risk, spare some time from your busy schedules, to participate in a democratic process of being ditched, again. That’ll be fun, as always, we assure you, as the selected artists and players are the same as termed favorite by you since long. We understand, that such gaming elections have never changed your status quo and any party’s coming and going has never impacted your fate, ever, but in the world this process of election is usually termed as a good sign called democracy for a country and we celebrate it after every two to three years period.
To make it a secured event, Section 144 shall be imposed on every part of the country which is as a whole declared sensitive restricting your inane movements. Under this section, you will not be allowed to show off your arms and legs in open public processions. Public processions are specifically allowed to show off the existence by political agents only in every corners of a city, village, town, street to make you feel important once after every two to three years. Please beware! these political agents will be declared your ‘leaders’ after the vote count and every voter shall be bound by the constitution of Pakistan to follow the traits of their subjected leaders by letter or by spirit, as the choice was and will be all yours to bring them on board. Please note in advance, that the declared leaders, once elected, are not bound by any law or constitution, after election commission’s such decision in their favor, if so any, as elected and all their acts or omissions prior to the enactment of such election or declaration will be termed as null and void and shall not or must not be challenged in any court in Pakistan.
So don’t ever think negative or raise objections against your elected leaders by your votes otherwise your own future may be obscured for indefinite future. You are allowed to dance or make bhangra in happiness after the announcement of your favorite agent/leader’s victory as this is allowed under the constitution but don’t display weapons or fire in air, in front of any camera of any channel. This will make the leader liable to be objected against section 144. Do not burn effigies of opponent as this act is totally against the echo system protocol due to CO2 emission and it burns a hole on road as well.
Since there is a huge population of political parties in our country including old and newly formed out of dictatorial regime soup, some split overs or spill overs from mega parties into additional alphabetical sorts, to every sect of religious political parties along with regional language based political parties and cast oriented political parties. This situation results in increasing the cost of each election due to enhancing the size of a ballot paper by printing extra party’s insignia over it. This act will further reduce the burden on the limited number of electrical and street light poles in the country to hang out the party banners over it. Please do not use sticking political pamphlets as they are hard to remove from walls or places where next pamphlets may be pasted in next coming elections shortly after this.
With the consent of all parties in Pakistan to ease out your selection process and procedure and making the voting process cumbersome free, the government has allowed only below listed parties to contest for the upcoming general elections. The other small parties will have to merge themselves up into the below larger parties of their choice or benefit and may keep on fighting amongst themselves for their own national causes once their major party achieve victory by luck and by the acts of establishment, that shall be decided later on. If a party insists for having a separate identification and insignia, then establishment will have the full right to decide the fate of this party during or after the election.
After observing the trend of having a compulsory beard on face, leaders carrying a tasbeh in their hands and shalwar kameez as traditional dress in some parts of Pakistan, just due to this feature the political parties of that region will be declared as ‘religious parties’.
(Disclaimer by commission) Please keep in mind that they have nothing to do with religion and this commission bears no responsibility for them having any links with religion, religious traits (past, current or future) Islamic ideology of any kind, but for the sake of identification, these parties are separately treated for political mileage and given the right to be represented as your third option under a separate name. In case of their victory (which shall be solely decided by the establishment by observing the geo-political scenarios in the region and further orders from abroad), we bear no responsibility on their past, current or future acts or policies, Islamic or non-Islamic performances and actions.
For the ease of voters of Pakistan, alphabetical chronology of each party like PML, PML (Nawaz), PML (Qaid e Azam), PML (Humkhial), PML (Musharaf), PML (Zia-Ul Haq), PPP (Parliamentarian), PPP (Shaheed Bhutto), PPP (Sher Pao), PPP (Pir Pagara), , etc, etc, etc are all disallowed to contest separately or individually. The below mentioned policy will reduce (may not eliminate) further splits in major political parties thus keep the door open or chances for other personalities within party politics to progress. The process of extracting party names was complex but by taking the names of major parties, applying mathematical formula of mean & average and then taking the common factor of party names, we get PPP and PML as final resultants.
As we never had any choice neither you, the people of Pakistan are now bound to give their votes to below parties only,…….…yet again, until and unless establishment decides otherwise for additional names or additional parties, if so required and such requests shall be submitted to the political wings of intelligence agencies to make further splits in the existing political parties for balance of power in the country. Till further measures and orders from abroad, following parties will be allowed to participate in the announced elections;
3- Religious parties
All other parties, new or old, herein after called the small or deprived parties, whose names are not depicted and usually never seen on any list may make immediate arrangements to contact the above three parties of their respective regions for political mergers, as they always do and are good at. The listed major parties are humbly requested as well, to contact the other small party candidates previously their own, now, to offer them the tickets. Floor crossing may be allowed after wards covertly but will be condemned publically. Before or during elections till government formation, clandestine support of any candidate against any larger party by the other larger party is not be allowed as long as it is clearly evident during processions and party rallies. This will create confusion amongst the real voters as who to vote?
The elections will be held free, fair, real transparent and in scientific manner as establishment will only broadcast the names of winner or loser with their number of votes later as compiled and planned well before elections.
This time special ballot boxes are prepared with close bottoms and will not be placed on gutter tops. Under this new method, first time ever in Pakistan, our gutter lines and drainage will remain clean and your precious vote will remain in the box and not in the gutter. This method will be used for the first time after the request petition from city municipal sewerage departments of Pakistan to avoid choking of gutter lines, unnecessarily. All the international transparency agencies will be working 24/7 to verify the sanctity of electoral process. Separate and independent cells are made in each polling areas for free media so that they can cover the polling process live. These cells will be locked from outside in the morning and shall be opened after election process completion so that free media may not confront unnecessary disturbance from outside and remain free afterwards also.
CONDITIONS AND PRE-ELECTION PROTOCOLS FOR POLITICAL PARTIES IN PAKISTAN
After observing the track record of each and every political party, for the first time in Pakistan, the commission is happy to announce following pre-poll restrictions and conditions for the political parties for their own good. The below list is carefully sorted and selected out from the pasts of government practices, their way of governance and their performances. These FEW untouched matters have always remained untouched and never been addressed by any elected government in past. These matters are considered prime issues of Pakistan due to which every government is toppled or removed. For the best interest of Pakistan and for the future furtherance of respective party itself, all participating parties are hereby notified and ordered, to strictly refrain from chanting following claims, vows, slogans in public rallies, political campaigns and exclude, with immediate effect, all below listed promises and plans from their party manifestos.
In public rallies, political campaigns or media talk shows, all parties are prohibited to claim or chant as follows;
1- We will bring the change in life of an ordinary Pakistani
2- We will strengthen Pakistan
3- We will provide Roti, Kapra, Makan, without government subsidy
4- We will abolish poverty
5- We will provide energy and power in shortest possible time
6- We will eliminate foreign debts
7- We will increase GDP
8- We will increase the literacy rate of Pakistan
9- We will make Islam the supreme law of Pakistan
10- We will decrease the prices of sugar, atta, petrol and electricity
11- We will eliminate terrorism
12- We will eliminate corruption
13- We will increase the standard of living
14- We will restrict foreign influence specially USA in Pakistani policies/politics and will not allow dictation from any country
15- We will allow and support free media and free judiciary, all the time.
16- We will respect Army, establishment and ISI, all the time
17- We will provide good governance, all the time
18- Our budget will be people friendly, list of people will be submitted later on
19- All our ministers and advisors have roots from ordinary Pakistanis and have deep knowledge about the core issues
20- We will declare our original, real assets in and outside Pakistan
21- We will pay all taxes and wealth taxes, always
22- We will develop Pakistan in an Islamic fort
23- We will stop drone attacks
Please note that any other chant, song, claim, plan, promise, slogan, vow instead of any of above is allowed to be used but with due corroboration from this department in writing. Any achieved objective or promise fulfilled, by any party in past may be publicized, IF ANY. Any party found chanting or propagating any of above in public places or in media shall immediately be termed as disqualified for the upcoming elections or banned for two consecutive future elections coming up shortly within next couple of years or so.
After elections, any party found blaming the sanctity of election commission shall be considered as disqualified for two years or next two terms, as the case may be.
If any party has got any objections, whatsoever, for any above matter, may, within today i.e. from the date of this notification or within 5 working days after elections, which ever is longer, submit an application to the concerned authorities in the form and format prescribed by the authorities. (Application Form may be available on our web site as and when uploaded by the department). This commission reserves the right to term such applications as disagreement from the vested authority orders and conditions and shall be liable to be prosecuted or excluded from the election list as and when necessary before or after elections. The above orders and notifications are final and binding on all parties from the date of this notification. We welcome suggestions and comments to make our efficiencies better to serve the nation and to make this electoral process a paradigm for the upcoming democracy or for shortly coming future elections afterwards. Error or omission is regretted but can not be contested in any court in Pakistan.
Free Election Commission of Pakistan