Related article: Let’s agitate for regime change in Pakistan: Tunisia and Egypt style – by Ahmed Iqbalabadi
(Editor’s note: The following is a purely fictional piece and any resemblance to real life characters is purely coincidental. While we may not not agree with all the contents of this note, we warmly welcome pieces that make one think)
After witnessing the tumultuous scenes from Tunisia and Egypt, we in Pakistan feel that it is about time that we have a revolution here as well. For that purpose, we have approached two people who we feel represent the aspirations of the people of Pakistan (you know, upper middle class burgers who have figured out the perfect combination of Syed Qutb, Che Guevera and Candice Bushnell as a way of life)
Raid Shamat: Sharia Bolshevik, rock star evangelist, Islamist-Iqbalist, Raid (pronounced as an exaggerated approximation of red) represents the aspirations of Pakistan’s true ruling class, GHQ, ISI, MI, upper middle class burgers, significant sections of Pakistan’s fashion, entertainment and music class and moderate sectarian jihadis who feel that their job should be limited to giving hate sermons and not actually detonating bombs to “cleanse” Pakistan of its heathen segments.
Before proceeding to Raid Shamat, we ensured that we each got rosaries and even learned a few religious phrases to come across as authentic.
We: So Raid, what do you think about the ongoing developments in Egypt and Tunisia?
Raid: Mashallah, Jazakallah, this is an excellent development, especially in Egypt. I am always for some seasonal spring cleaning and it would be great if the Egyptian army can replace Mubarak with El Baradei. El Baradei has been certified by Ikhwan ul Muslimeen and finally, we can get another Islamist regime in the area.
We: But, Raid, what about all the young people who are also protesting?
Raid: One word, KHOMEINI! Once we have a change of chairs, watch how fast these bachas will, ahem, be made to understand that the fun is over….
We: Raid Shamat sahib, don’t you think we need the same in Pakistan?
Raid: Yes, yes, we need more Islam here too.
We: No, I was talking about Revolution!
Raid: But bacha, we are already in a Revolution. We had a Black Coat Revolution, the first phase, which installed his Holiness, Qari Mufi Ayatullah Chaudhary Iftikhar, the true inheritor of the poetry of Faiz and Jalib and ofcourse, the Ghazi leader that Hazrat Iqbal rhapsodized about. After January 4th, we are in the second phase of the Revolution, where I am willing to concede, this will be lead by the Hari Phagri, who have finally realized that violence is the only way to be a true Ghazi. The black coats, and the stripped (Deobandis) and green (Barelvis) are finally united against a decaying corrupt order (the PPP of course) that has collaborated with perfidious South Asian types to rule Pakistan and oppress us Arabs! Together, the Black Coats, Stripped turbans, green turbans, red caps (me of course) and the Black cloaks are uniting under one banner to ensure that no one will ever raise a finger against our ghazis!
We: Wah, wah, Subhanallah, this is fantastic. I have taped this on my Ipod and will upload it on my twitter feed tonight where we will resume our Jihad against those perfidious liberal fascists! On a closing note, our burger, Mummy-Daddy readers need a nice quote from Hazrat Iqbal that wraps this up.
Raid: Sure bacha, here goes: yeh ghazi yeh teray purisrar banday / jinhen tu ne bakhsha he zoq-e-khudai
United for Revolution: FCS and Qadri Lovers
Bouyed by the inspirational sound bytes from Raid Shamat, we proceeded to our next interviewee, Sasha Sham-Me.
Sasha Sham-Me: A fashion priestess, doyen of democracy, leader to an emerging group of youth that are set to sweep the twitter/facebook elections along with Immi and Mush, corporate lawyer, central co-ordinater of the 7-11 initiative and true connoisseur and introducer of Andrea Bocelli to the culturally-challenged burger class. Her 7-11 represents the group of 7 well educated youth who lead 11 groups and also manage and run 11 blogs. Sasha Sham-Me represents vast sections of the burger class, the fashion class, the Café societies and is the bridge between the burger class and the honorable Black Coats who started the Revolution in Pakistan. Sham-Me is known for her distinctive eye-rolling and smugness towards PPP apologists and has triumphed in many a debate with these gestures and other non-contextual gossips.
Before proceeding to Sham-Me, we made sure that we went to Nabila and Tariq Amin and ensured that our highlights and bleach, Prada handbags, Manolo blahnik shoes, Gucci sun-glasses and Sana Safinaz outfits were colour coordinated and reflected just the right amount of earthy brown shades that would identify us as Pakistani. We don’t want to go into further details as that would make us appear pretentious and we can’t have that in a revolution.
We: Sasha, looking great. I hope the next Fashion Week does as much to thwart the advance of the Bad, Black Water –backed Taliban as the last one. Nothing against the good, macho Taliban who are giving such a black eye to the Hindus in Kashmir and Afghanistan, ofcourse.
Sasha Sham-Me: Thanks my darlings. So what is this Revolution that my bachas are talking about. I hope you cleared this the others on Twitter last night.
We: We did and they think its cool; anything to help us get rid of the Zardari dictatorship! So, Sham-Me, what do you think about the Revolution in Egypt?
Sham-Me: About time I say, Mubarak was looking so haggard and hadn’t even gotten a Botox shot since last fall. This is unacceptable. And of course, the corruption was just way out of hand. I am glad to see that the army is finally stepping in Egypt as well. Now we need to import this into Pakistan and I have Fati (Fatima Bhutto) on board to rescue the PPP and lead it away from dynastic politics and into a nice, air-conditioned room in 70 Clifton.
We: So how soon do you think we should start, or resume, the Revolution here:
Sham-Me: Bachas, this will have to wait till Mid-March. Firstly, two of my youth delegates are flying to Dubai for the Gold festival, which is followed by Fashion Week in end Feb. I need to detox from all this stress and then prepare our revolution outfits and its mid-March at the very least. For the revolution outfits, I am thinking a green, black and red montage that represents the unity of our members (Sunni Tehrik, Sipah-e-Sahaba, Judiciary, Lawyers, Jaded Leftists, Lal Masjid) against the corrupt order of the PPP. Don’t worry, my dyers will ensure that this stands apart from the PPP flag!
We: We want to take this opportunity to felicitate you on your role in the Lawyer’s Movement and would greatly appreciate it if you have some thoughts with regard to its aftermath?
Sham-Me: As you know, I made sure that my Prado was on hand to join the rally in Lahore and give a lift to my friends, Tammy and JR! I still remember the hardships we faced where we had to subsist on day-old Turkey cranberry paninis from Deli in Karachi. Mall Road was closed on the final day but we respect the choice of true and popular leaders like Nawaz Sharif. If only he was leading the PPP…. Don’t get me wrong, I always supported the PPP; I just couldn’t stand ZAB, BB, Zardari, its policies and its stances and ofcourse, the terrible fashion sense of its party workers. So smelly! Couldn’t the PPP leaders at least air spray their rallies with Paco Rabane, if not Aqua Di Geo!
As for our judiciary, I have nothing but the highest regard and can’t stand those who have the temerity to criticize this August and pristine institute of our country! The Judiciary has finally put the PPP robbers on notice and along with us and the Jamaat-e-Islami, they have taken a stand against America that was just not there by the PPP leaders (accompanied by the perfect combination gaze of smugness and eye rolling).
Honestly, I just can’t stand these oppressors and aside from Sherry Rahman, they can all go for a hike! She is the only one with a decent fashion sense and one of the few genuine PPP wallas like Safdar Abbasi, Naheed Khan, Zafar Hillaly, Aitzaz Ahsan and Ghinwa Bhutto! Like them, she has done a decent job of undermining the PPP government!
Bachas, (with eyes straining to get the intellectual look) all over the world the Reds (true Leftists) are with the Islamists (true ghazis) and the Lawyer’s Movement was a perfect example where natural allies like the Reds and the Islamists worked in great tandem. With better dressing coordination, we can take this Revolution to its logical end; an autocracy where Faiz and Maudodi will provide us our ideology and where Maria B. will design the Burkas for our plebians and Sana Safinaz will design the choridars for us!