Let’s have a revolution in Pakistan: Yeh, Yeh, Yeh! A conversation with Raid Shamat and Sasha Sham-me – by Razzak Memon
Related article: Let’s agitate for regime change in Pakistan: Tunisia and Egypt style – by Ahmed Iqbalabadi
(Editor’s note: The following is a purely fictional piece and any resemblance to real life characters is purely coincidental. While we may not not agree with all the contents of this note, we warmly welcome pieces that make one think)
…………………
After witnessing the tumultuous scenes from Tunisia and Egypt, we in Pakistan feel that it is about time that we have a revolution here as well. For that purpose, we have approached two people who we feel represent the aspirations of the people of Pakistan (you know, upper middle class burgers who have figured out the perfect combination of Syed Qutb, Che Guevera and Candice Bushnell as a way of life)
Raid Shamat: Sharia Bolshevik, rock star evangelist, Islamist-Iqbalist, Raid (pronounced as an exaggerated approximation of red) represents the aspirations of Pakistan’s true ruling class, GHQ, ISI, MI, upper middle class burgers, significant sections of Pakistan’s fashion, entertainment and music class and moderate sectarian jihadis who feel that their job should be limited to giving hate sermons and not actually detonating bombs to “cleanse” Pakistan of its heathen segments.
Before proceeding to Raid Shamat, we ensured that we each got rosaries and even learned a few religious phrases to come across as authentic.
We: So Raid, what do you think about the ongoing developments in Egypt and Tunisia?
Raid: Mashallah, Jazakallah, this is an excellent development, especially in Egypt. I am always for some seasonal spring cleaning and it would be great if the Egyptian army can replace Mubarak with El Baradei. El Baradei has been certified by Ikhwan ul Muslimeen and finally, we can get another Islamist regime in the area.
We: But, Raid, what about all the young people who are also protesting?
Raid: One word, KHOMEINI! Once we have a change of chairs, watch how fast these bachas will, ahem, be made to understand that the fun is over….
We: Raid Shamat sahib, don’t you think we need the same in Pakistan?
Raid: Yes, yes, we need more Islam here too.
We: No, I was talking about Revolution!
Raid: But bacha, we are already in a Revolution. We had a Black Coat Revolution, the first phase, which installed his Holiness, Qari Mufi Ayatullah Chaudhary Iftikhar, the true inheritor of the poetry of Faiz and Jalib and ofcourse, the Ghazi leader that Hazrat Iqbal rhapsodized about. After January 4th, we are in the second phase of the Revolution, where I am willing to concede, this will be lead by the Hari Phagri, who have finally realized that violence is the only way to be a true Ghazi. The black coats, and the stripped (Deobandis) and green (Barelvis) are finally united against a decaying corrupt order (the PPP of course) that has collaborated with perfidious South Asian types to rule Pakistan and oppress us Arabs! Together, the Black Coats, Stripped turbans, green turbans, red caps (me of course) and the Black cloaks are uniting under one banner to ensure that no one will ever raise a finger against our ghazis!
We: Wah, wah, Subhanallah, this is fantastic. I have taped this on my Ipod and will upload it on my twitter feed tonight where we will resume our Jihad against those perfidious liberal fascists! On a closing note, our burger, Mummy-Daddy readers need a nice quote from Hazrat Iqbal that wraps this up.
Raid: Sure bacha, here goes: yeh ghazi yeh teray purisrar banday / jinhen tu ne bakhsha he zoq-e-khudai
United for Revolution: FCS and Qadri Lovers
Bouyed by the inspirational sound bytes from Raid Shamat, we proceeded to our next interviewee, Sasha Sham-Me.
Sasha Sham-Me: A fashion priestess, doyen of democracy, leader to an emerging group of youth that are set to sweep the twitter/facebook elections along with Immi and Mush, corporate lawyer, central co-ordinater of the 7-11 initiative and true connoisseur and introducer of Andrea Bocelli to the culturally-challenged burger class. Her 7-11 represents the group of 7 well educated youth who lead 11 groups and also manage and run 11 blogs. Sasha Sham-Me represents vast sections of the burger class, the fashion class, the Café societies and is the bridge between the burger class and the honorable Black Coats who started the Revolution in Pakistan. Sham-Me is known for her distinctive eye-rolling and smugness towards PPP apologists and has triumphed in many a debate with these gestures and other non-contextual gossips.
Before proceeding to Sham-Me, we made sure that we went to Nabila and Tariq Amin and ensured that our highlights and bleach, Prada handbags, Manolo blahnik shoes, Gucci sun-glasses and Sana Safinaz outfits were colour coordinated and reflected just the right amount of earthy brown shades that would identify us as Pakistani. We don’t want to go into further details as that would make us appear pretentious and we can’t have that in a revolution.
We: Sasha, looking great. I hope the next Fashion Week does as much to thwart the advance of the Bad, Black Water –backed Taliban as the last one. Nothing against the good, macho Taliban who are giving such a black eye to the Hindus in Kashmir and Afghanistan, ofcourse.
Sasha Sham-Me: Thanks my darlings. So what is this Revolution that my bachas are talking about. I hope you cleared this the others on Twitter last night.
We: We did and they think its cool; anything to help us get rid of the Zardari dictatorship! So, Sham-Me, what do you think about the Revolution in Egypt?
Sham-Me: About time I say, Mubarak was looking so haggard and hadn’t even gotten a Botox shot since last fall. This is unacceptable. And of course, the corruption was just way out of hand. I am glad to see that the army is finally stepping in Egypt as well. Now we need to import this into Pakistan and I have Fati (Fatima Bhutto) on board to rescue the PPP and lead it away from dynastic politics and into a nice, air-conditioned room in 70 Clifton.
We: So how soon do you think we should start, or resume, the Revolution here:
Sham-Me: Bachas, this will have to wait till Mid-March. Firstly, two of my youth delegates are flying to Dubai for the Gold festival, which is followed by Fashion Week in end Feb. I need to detox from all this stress and then prepare our revolution outfits and its mid-March at the very least. For the revolution outfits, I am thinking a green, black and red montage that represents the unity of our members (Sunni Tehrik, Sipah-e-Sahaba, Judiciary, Lawyers, Jaded Leftists, Lal Masjid) against the corrupt order of the PPP. Don’t worry, my dyers will ensure that this stands apart from the PPP flag!
We: We want to take this opportunity to felicitate you on your role in the Lawyer’s Movement and would greatly appreciate it if you have some thoughts with regard to its aftermath?
Sham-Me: As you know, I made sure that my Prado was on hand to join the rally in Lahore and give a lift to my friends, Tammy and JR! I still remember the hardships we faced where we had to subsist on day-old Turkey cranberry paninis from Deli in Karachi. Mall Road was closed on the final day but we respect the choice of true and popular leaders like Nawaz Sharif. If only he was leading the PPP…. Don’t get me wrong, I always supported the PPP; I just couldn’t stand ZAB, BB, Zardari, its policies and its stances and ofcourse, the terrible fashion sense of its party workers. So smelly! Couldn’t the PPP leaders at least air spray their rallies with Paco Rabane, if not Aqua Di Geo!
As for our judiciary, I have nothing but the highest regard and can’t stand those who have the temerity to criticize this August and pristine institute of our country! The Judiciary has finally put the PPP robbers on notice and along with us and the Jamaat-e-Islami, they have taken a stand against America that was just not there by the PPP leaders (accompanied by the perfect combination gaze of smugness and eye rolling).
Honestly, I just can’t stand these oppressors and aside from Sherry Rahman, they can all go for a hike! She is the only one with a decent fashion sense and one of the few genuine PPP wallas like Safdar Abbasi, Naheed Khan, Zafar Hillaly, Aitzaz Ahsan and Ghinwa Bhutto! Like them, she has done a decent job of undermining the PPP government!
Bachas, (with eyes straining to get the intellectual look) all over the world the Reds (true Leftists) are with the Islamists (true ghazis) and the Lawyer’s Movement was a perfect example where natural allies like the Reds and the Islamists worked in great tandem. With better dressing coordination, we can take this Revolution to its logical end; an autocracy where Faiz and Maudodi will provide us our ideology and where Maria B. will design the Burkas for our plebians and Sana Safinaz will design the choridars for us!
hahaha….
She had to subsist on day-old Turkey cranberry paninis from Deli in Karachi.
“Sham-Me” sounds very familiar; very much like someone who presents a show on Business Plus; just a guess.
The Surkhas are with us as well as the fashionistas, down with PPP, up with Jamaat!
Hahahah!!! Really good one.
LUBP is coming up with very nice satire. I think in the last few days we have seen a piece on Islami Media Committee and Dr. Billa as well as one posted from Viewpoint on “let’s fry munni”. Excellent. Keep it up. We need to bring down the stress level of our readers.
Oh, the Sham-Me or You-Can’t-Shame-Me of the Business Plus?
I loved the description of the colors of “green, black and red montage that represents the unity of our members (Sunni Tehrik, Sipah-e-Sahaba, Judiciary, Lawyers, Jaded Leftists, Lal Masjid)” but have it dyed in a way it doesnt look like a PPP flag
@Javaid, we always knew that the Jamaat and FCS are hand in hand against democracy in Pakistan. Atleast you have the honesty to admit it.
Baba-e-Qom Ifitikhar Chaudhary ZindaBad
Dont tell me that anyone but NPF:)
“Couldn’t the PPP leaders at least air spray their rallies ”
lol .
good one. certainly inspired by NFP’s satire pieces. 🙂
Who is the FCS in the second picture? Is it Sasha Sham-Me?
Raid Shamat reminds me of a Red Cap man, a friend of Maria B.
Laal topi walay tera naam to bata
hahaah,…Zaid Hamid = Raid Shamat
in that case Sham-me = Tammy?
Pakistan has seen this type of revolutions to remove Ayub Khan, Bhutto & Musharaf. Both countries have high income disparities coupled with high rate of inflation and unemployment. Pakistanis right now are feeling miserable. But the dynamics which bring a revolution of Egyptian nature are not there. People will be protesting and pressurizing the government along with the media but a revolutionary overthrow in even a dysfunctional type of democracy is generally not likely. Media and Judiciary are relatively free; they are conservative but even then their relative freedom can play a constructive role. Any democratic regime needs multifaceted accountability which comes from electorate, media, judiciary and civil society. These institutions are developing in Pakistan. Despite extremism and severe gloom, there have been achievements through consensus like 18th amendment and an improved NFC award. Even in governance, the federal government is showing signs to improve and yes even listening to Supreme Court. Violent change in Pakistan can be brought about only by the hardcore Islamic militants, which will be catastrophic.
From another thread (posted by Abdul N):
Ayesha Tammy Haq in praise of Geo TV, lashing out at the PPP and Zardari:
APRIL 06, 2009
PAKISTAN: THE PRESS PUSHES BACK AGAINST THE ZARDARI GOV’T (Q&A)
[A guest post by Maha Atal, who works for Forbes and blogs here.]
Once a week, I go to my grandmother’s apartment to watch Pakistani TV stations via satellite. Like many Pakistani-American families, we have spent the past two years glued to our screens as lawyers, politicians and citizens agitated for the restoration of the judiciary, disbanded by then-President Pervez Musharraf in 2007. Meanwhile, just as Pakistanis were tuning in, Musharraf and his civilian successors increased regulation of the televised and print media. Journalists ventured onto new media platforms and my mother and I spent many hours following the protests on news websites like GEO.tv, and when these too were restricted, on social media platforms like YouTube. Sometimes, we saw content from activists who used the web to promote their cause; sometimes, we saw journalists wander into the fray to cover it, and occasionally, to insert themselves into the protests. Now that the Chief Justice and the judiciary system have been restored, I asked Ayesha Tammy Haq, host of 24Seven on BusinessPlusTV what the convergence means for Pakistan’s Fourth Estate.
SAJAforum: In some sense, there have been two protest movements underway here, one to free the judiciary and one to free the press. But the line between them is pretty thin, since many journalists have been active cheerleaders of and participants in the lawyers’ marches and rallies. Can you describe how this happened?
HAQ: When this started [in November 2007], an independent press was a relatively new phenomenon in Pakistan. We didn’t have a formal code of conduct yet. The journalists and young reporters who went out to cover the movement were sympathetic as they saw it as a force for change. The clampdown on the press brought them in to direct confrontation with the state hence their active role [in the events covered].
So the press became fairly partisan. During the marches, the producers would keep the frame tight so they never showed gaps in the crowd. People were killed in the streets in Karachi, but the media never showed the bad side.
The Daily Times did a whole series about whether the movement should be transitionist or transformationist. They became active participants not because they were marching with the lawyers but by using [their coverage] to shape government policy and saw this as their role. It was a conceptual movement.
Is there any concern about journalists giving up their objective stance to become newsmakers?
HAQ: There is now a big concern about journalists giving up their objective stance because both Musharraf and the civilian governments have attacked the press on this point. The new Information Minister Qamaruz Kaira had a press conference saying there now needs to be press regulation.
Has the censorship situation varied at all under Zardari and Gilani as compared to Musharraf?
HAQ: The government in general has a short fuse as far as the media is concerned. They tolerate it for their first five minutes, while coming to power. Still, it’s sad to hear people in media say “Even Musharraf wasn’t this bad.” They’re wrong. He strangled GEO-TV, and these guys may threaten GEO but they haven’t taken it off the air. Memories are short. [SAJAforum note: in March transmission of GEO was blocked by cable operators, apparently at the direction of the Zardari government.]
What thoughts do you have on the many new startups that have arisen in spite, or in response to the censors, like GEO?
HAQ: GEO is under attack because it launched campaigns explicitly to bring down the government, as opposed to the lawyers’ movement that has no intention of bringing down the government. After the marches the lawyers disperse. Of course, GEO hasn’t shown anything that isn’t true.
To what extent has this outpouring of media helped to create political pressure on government to tackle the judicial issue? What has the judicial issue and the media issue done to the PPP’s political position?
HAQ: The issue is, the People’s Party (PPP) has never faced a free press, because the press really emerged under the Musharraf years. At the outset, the People’s Party was with the lawyers’ movement as was the PLM-N, really everyone but [the Karachi-based party] the MQM. The PPP used it to negotiate themselves back into the political scene, and then dumped it.
[PLM-N leader] Nawaz Sharif came back to Pakistan without so much as a campaign slogan and he took this movement of “an independent judiciary” as a campaign slogan. The result is that Nawaz Sharif now has the strongest political hand in the country now because he’s actually delivered on an election pledge where the PPP, who actually won the election, hasn’t given anyone a roti yet.
Yet the press and Nawaz Sharif are not natural allies.
HAQ: Any serious journalist, most are pro-PPP, and they can’t ever think of going with Nawaz Sharif politically. But the PPP is not their party, anymore. In a way, they are almost all disenfranchised.
What about the resignation of Sherry Rehman, the information minister, over the censorship of GEO? Are the PPP’s problems with the press endangering their political power?
HAQ: The problem is that the PPP is the most non media-savvy party in Pakistan. They do not seem to realize that the way we do politics has changed, that media has changed, that it’s not two channels and that whenever you do something, everyone knows because it’s live on satellite. Sherry Rehman was trying to deal with this problem and unfortunately the party can’t change.
The PPP needs to grow up. The press is quite happy to help them.
–Interview by Maha Atal
http://www.sajaforum.org/2009/04/draft-pakistan-the-press-pushes-back-against-the-government.html
My dream was to be one of the Supremes (Tammy Haq)
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I like myself, though I am sure there are many others who would be happy to answer this question.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Meanness, when someone is small-minded and petty.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Has to be shoes, I love shoes.
On what occasion do you lie?
I don’t lie but I can sidestep issues when required.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Nothing, though my treadmill is calling out to me.
Which living person do you most despise?
Despise is an emotion, I am indifferent to many whom I would not waste emotion on.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
A sense of humour. Of course, good looks help.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Graciousness.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I need to sleep.
When and where were you happiest?
The years I lived and worked in New York and now in Karachi.
Which talent would you most like to have?
I would love to be able to sing. My dream was to be one of The Supremes — eyelashes, big hair, sequined miniskirts, the works.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Be more tolerant and empathetic towards others.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I have had no major achievements, lots of minor ones. But
getting profiled by US Vogue was pretty cool.
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
A roach. Scientists say their brains can save lives, we use ours to take lives.
Where would you most like to live?
On Russian Hill in San Francisco.
http://www.allpakistaninews.com/my-dream-was-to-be-one-of-the-supremes-tammy-haq.html
Why did an #FCS wannabe columnist use her piece on Raymond Davis to express her knowledge of what American men wear beneath their pants?
http://tribune.com.pk/story/119878/ghairat-and-other-issues/
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