Interview with Dr. Billa of Daily Bhang – by Naveed Ali

I have been very curious to interview some of my country’s intellectual especially from the journalist class who write in newspapers, as they are for sure an impressive group; it seems they have solution to all our problems but no one listens to them, though some of the newspapers in which they write are circulated in millions daily.

But sadly I was not able to get hold of them, reason is that I live thousands of miles away and I can only write to these eminent personalities and of course they receive posts in thousands daily, admiring their thoughts and efforts they do to solve problems of this nation, most of them spend time meeting ministers, generals, lords and businessmen; attending official dinners and events, hence it is surely difficult for them to check their mails and reply specially answering those which stops them from doing what they do the best and ask them to think (a habit which they have lost in process of evolution).

Even if I would be at home, it will be difficult for a common person like me to reach the drawing rooms of these eminent personalities, surely if they spend their time meeting jerks like me then who will be working and writing on solving our problems?

Fortunately my dear friend Majeed introduced me to Dr. Billa, a very prominent scholar living overseas and working hard in the struggle to solve the problems of his fellow countrymen back home. He writes regularly in daily Bhang, which is widely circulated newspaper of my country, long before 3-idiots was released or even its story was conceived, our daily Bhang was reciting ‘all is well’ and it has a big contribution in keeping our masses silent, as silence brings peace and peace is the pathway for prosperity (if you don’t ask whose prosperity it is? Then ‘all is well’). Nevertheless he is very much respected across all walks of life especially by politicians, land lords, army generals, bureaucrats and religious scholars.

Why Dr. Billa is called Dr. Billa? It is a very interesting story as well. During his student years when he was doing his Masters and eventually PHD( in sociology and history with subjects like Islamiat, Pakistan Studies, and Urdu literature), he was famous for his laziness, he was sleeping all the time everywhere. He was only waking up when nature calls, i.e. when someone was offering him food, or when it was required to get attention of opposite sex, or if someone was stepping on his tail (offending him) or you know when it can’t be helped waking up and going to respond to the call of nature. Only then he was waking up and acting accordingly. Hence his friends started calling him Billa (cat), he continues to carry this name and associated characteristics.

Majeed my friend is considered mentally retarded and so no one takes any notice of what he says or does, for same reason he is considered harmless and hence he succeeds in reaching where I cannot, otherwise I am sure I was not able to conduct my highly important interview in which Dr. Billa explained his philosophy of ‘Langar banto Langar’ necessary to keep masses happy where they are, and other beliefs important for stability of the country like ‘don’t ask question you traitor’ —- you are a traitor if you question any established and accepted narrative specially those surrounding inception of the motherland or events happened afterwards, because it will destabilize the masses and harm the peaceful situation where ‘all is well’, or calling every passed away leader of ours ‘Rehmat –Ulla-Alleh’ —-so that they will become saints and we spent all our lives reciting Qawwalis on their shrines, and hang those who say anything not worthy of those personalities.

Dr. Billa has firm belief that ‘langar’ and ‘khairat’ (alms) are the solution to all social and economic problems; hence he spent time writing on admiring personalities who are giving alms and donations in charities.

He is of opinion that if everyone starts same practice (give alms, take alms) soon all our problems will be solved, poor will become rich and rich……..? hmmm he keeps silence on what rich will become. he says it is not important and we must not be worried about rich and powerful as these people have got the ‘Nirvana’ and we ill informed and uneducated have no right to talk about those who have got solace in mortal life, how one becomes rich is no one’s business, it is sufficient for us to know that they are the chosen ones, and hence all our rights are reserved in their names. They are keen to follow the slogan of ‘langar banto langer’ and the common man should only think about how can he get his share of the ‘langar’.

As I said Dr. Billa is a profound historian, one of his great achievements is discovery of ‘Ghazis’ from across the history’, Dr. Billa has created a tower of heroes, and he is sitting on top of this tower looking tall and mighty and people like me can only admire those ‘Wuthering Heights’, which he has achieved in this moral life , the proof of the depth of his scholarship is that he has only testified the epics in which a hero is fighting against infidels, he says all else is mere crap, and no one can object because he is such a profound scholar, no one can deny him. He claims to be right because he has said so, objection on his theories is objection on him, and who can dare any objection?

Don’t forget that ‘Billa’ has ‘paws’ and no one can survive his attacks. He wants every youth of his nation to be a ghazi, only problem is availability of that many infidels to fight with, but Dr. Billa and his associates are working hard to increase the number of infidels, that is why we hear ‘he is kaafir (infidel)’, ‘she is kaafir’ every now and then. This is yet another proof how much depth and demand Dr. Billa’s philosophy has.

Hakeem Izafi, one of admirers of Dr. Billa took responsibility of the supply of ghazis from the youth of the nation, his is an immense success story, his ghazis have shown great courage and bravery (we can say brevity as well) on platforms like drawing rooms, clubs, talk shows, and internet forums, Hakeem Izafi has created a facility for them, where they learn to fight with infidels in their dreams. By continuous dreaming, these ghazis have become so much sleepy and lousy that no one turned around when Hakeem Izafi tried to call their first annual public meeting.There is no doubt that these theories of Dr. Billa are highly appreciated and regarded in scholastic circles. It is said that every great thinker is voice of his age as he answers to the needs and demands of that age.

Theories of Dr. Billa portray in which age we are living and what kind of needs and demands are highly in demand. I would suggest why not we invite historians to write a detailed contemporary account of this age, and title should be ‘age of Langar’. Many a people will think that I am exaggerating, but we do not understand that Dr. Billa is voicing a phenomenon which is greatly shaping the societies of many countries in the region. Concept of ‘langar banto langar’ is highly appreciated by rich and powerful across this region, this helps them keep high moral to do everything they can do in accumulating from people to serve people.

Most important characteristic of Dr. Billa’s character is his humbleness; he raises his voice on every important issue and conflict, and goes into deep details and research and writes into daily Bhang on it, same time he demands that no one should start arguing with him, if by chance he is surrounded, he get out of ‘situation’ by claiming he is a mere student not a professional politician or historian.

To be on safe side he has created a list of traitors with proper categorization, some of them are agents of the powers conspiring against us, some are those whose children are studying in neighbouring country, some are infidels themselves, others are atheists and non believers , now who in his right mind can believe the non believers? Some are the thankless who have got everything from this country but they do not want to return anything, only thankless can be so mean to criticize their leaders which are natural born innocents. (Next will be the interview with this infamous personality)

Disclaimer:- What is written above is fictitious; any resemblance with real life people, organisations or events will be coincidental and writer bears no responsibility.



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